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Amanda [userpic]
by Amanda (everybutterfly)
at November 8th, 2005 (09:27 pm)
sad

current mood: lonely.confused.depressed
current song: About Last Night ( AR ) - What if I died tomorrow?

My name is Amanda

I've been looking through all of the pointless livejournal groups for hours, and I found this one.
I just need somewhere to go... People to talk to, a place to let down my walls.
I smile to everyone around me, but I struggle on the inside. I'm almost social, but I sleeping in darkness in my mind.
I'm trying to fix myself, but my source of inspiration, the one person I truely cared about, for the first time since I was five, since everything was clear and pure, changed. A lot.
He went from the guy that I grew to care about so much, that became my savior, into the one that caused every problem the he fixed.
He told me that he just couldn't get along with me.

I must have cried for at least two weeks straight. I never cry.
I was back to the point where I could function normally again, and he wrote me a note.
A note apologizing, because he couldn't face me.
I cried, again. Over the weekend he emailed me, saying how lonely he is, how miserable. How he wants me to help him become who he was.
Now, after being around his friends, he fine again.
That's the way it always is---If he's alone, he can't handle it. He really looks at himself, but when he's around his friends, he thinks he's fine. None of them complain about him, or mention his change in personalities. All his old friends, the people I hang out with, do, though. They all say what a jerk he is now.
Last night I talked with him and he told me that he would be willing to repair the relationship he had with his old girlfriend and a very good friend of mine currently, Kate, but not with me.
He stands by his original decision that we just can't get along.
How is something like that decision?

I want to cry, and be alone, and for the first time in years, I don't want to go to school because of a specific person ( not just because I don't feel like going ).
None of my friends understand, and he doesn't even want to give it a try.
He listens, but he has to force himself to.

Before I met him, John, I knew who I was. I wasn't lonely, though I should have been, and I had one or two friends and some people I knew. Now I know a ton of people, and I talk with people, and I'm attached to people, and things. I'm more emotional in general, and I'm less attached to tangible things.
I don't know who I am anymore, though.
Some days I have the confidence to say that I'm happy, others I don't even have the confidence to say my name.

Comments

Posted by: yummylibran (yummylibran)
Posted at: June 17th, 2008 07:58 pm (UTC)

one thing i learnt the hard way?

People nver change, they only REVEAL.....

eventually everything happens as should be....my dark days inspired me to start a website offering free online dating for the lonely singles and by the grace of God, since then i've never looked back.

Best wishes for your happy life

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