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"She just needs a little help to wash away the pain she's felt"
by Jamie (broadwayjamie)
at October 29th, 2005 (08:24 pm)
crappy

current mood: Hurting
current song: "Holy Water"- Big & Rich

name is Jamie. I'm 18 and I'm battling depression.


I had a very happy childhood up until the age of six, I had a loving family, great friends and I loved my love. We lived with my Great Grandma . Pearl (Nama) whom I loved dearly. The one downside to my life then was the absance of my mother. She wasn't never really around much . But, that didn't really matter to be too much then because Nama made up for my mother's absance .

Then, one hot summer day in 1994, my life would undergo a change that would shatter my world and everyone in it. Aug. 1st, 1994 at the age of six, I went to have an extra tooth pulled and the dentist physically abused me : Hitting me, cutting off my oxygen and confinding me to a wheelchair because of it. Twenty three days later, Nama had a stroke and died . I was devestated .

We sued the dentist and lost . I was susposed to get a settlement on my eighteenth birthday and have yet to see that money. Soon after Nama died, Mom became very verbally abusive towards Daddy and I. We learned she has a compulsive gambeler and had thrown away my college savings . Also during this time, Daddy was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes . Because of my mother's addiction, we have had money problems and are unable to get away from her because we don't have the money to start over .

I've battled depression on & off for eleven years now , never taking meds for it because I don't want to depend on a pill to make me happy. I just want to be happy.

Now, the doctors say Mom has MS and is dying. I don't know what to think about this because of all the years of verbal abuse and hurt she has caused us.

My life is very complicated . but I have had my happy moments. They just never seem to last long.

My dream is to go to college in California and become a broadcast journalist . I wonder if I could make it...



Thank you for listening !

Comments

Posted by: sirius1327 (sirius1327)
Posted at: October 30th, 2005 12:09 pm (UTC)

oh honey, I'm so sorry that things have been so difficult for you, and I can definitely say that I understand your situation, as your mom sounds like mine (are we sisters? lol). It's taken me years to see this, but the good times "never seem to last" because you've been bracing yourself for something negative to happen the whole time. try to let go a big and take each day for what it is; embrace every great moment, and don't even let yourself think that a bad one is coming. life is life, there will always be good and bad, but don't let that cheat you of happiness.
now, it's ok for you to be ambivalent with your mother's sickness; you are struggling with duty vs your true feelings (which is probably to leave her high and dry, as she's done you all these years. I actually cut my mother out of my life as soon as I could leave home.
No one can tell you how to handle her and her MS, you have to choose what you want. if you are close to leaving home, it'd be easier to break away from her and do your own thing. is your father still stuck with her? that will be your tie to her.
If you truly want to go to college, then do it. I put myself through school, also, since my mother spent any money my step dad put away for me. it's hard, but "eyes on the prize" ya know. you can do it, just stay focused and positive. this is YOUR life, and you get to choose where you want it to go.
Don't let anyone, not even yourself, guilt trip you into believing that you have a "duty" to her; anyone can give birth, THAT does not make you a mother..I got alot of that myself with the "honor thy mother and thy father" BUT, you honor them if they are honorable, if they've been good parents to you, not just cause they donated an egg/sperm. Jesus himself said "you kick the dust off your feet and walk away."
It doesn't make you a bad person for not loving your mother and wanting to dedicate your life to taking care of her. she is the one who did the hurting, not you.
I dunno, I am sure I haven't been any help, but I don't want you to think that you are stuck in anything, that you are obligated to her, that you have no future. You DO have a future, you are just at crossroads right now. Choose carefully.
And it does get better, it really does. Each wonderful moment is a blessing, so take pleasure in even the little things.
Best of luck, lady.

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